Peanut Butter

My oldest daughter once asked me, "What is it with you and peanut butter, and the spoon?"  Because I will stand there with peanut butter & a spoon while trying to solve my problem of the moment.  It's a thing I have come back to again and again.  Especially with all my HCG dieting in the past.  When I would cheat, it would often be the peanut butter.  It's what I crave, for whatever reason, and it gives me comfort.  I don't think it's all that weird.  It's salty, fatty & has protein.  Somehow it just makes sense to me and when I can find no other way, there it is, my dear peanut butter.  And yes, I hooked up with the peanut butter today. LOL.  Then I chased it with a quart of green juice.

Today is Day 7.  Am I changing my date?  No.  This isn't me trying to get clean & sober while still dipping into the cooking wine.  This is me having 7 days of fresh, live juice; a saturation of liquid nutrition.  I'm having some issues that I haven't figured out how to handle yet.  I don't feel juicy or vibrant, renewed or any such thing.  I'm kinda pissed really.  I feel depleted, drained, down, depressed, like I'm starving, all messed up in the blood sugar, grumpy, irritable, and so freaking tired of deaing with myself.  Do I want your negative feedback about how stupid this is?  No, so if you feel inclined that direction, save it for someone who will listen to you and not delete your comment. 

I have made amazing progress in the last year with juicing and it is something I totally believe in. I went from a max dosage of anti-depressants to not needing them anymore.  This is the first summer I have not had an allergy season - while I watched those around me have their worst seasons yet.  These are two HUGE things for me.  All attributed to juicing.  But I have done enough deprivation dieting that when I feel certain things like depletion and starvation, I recognize them for what they are and I am completely unwilling to put myself through that.  I know I have issues with my gut and I may not be absorbing well.  Yesterday I didn't drink enough juice, didn't manage my blood sugar worth a darn and got too messed up that I felt sick and could hardly get anything in me.  I suppose I am now recovering from that.  I am not giving up.  We'll call this a pause.  I tried Raw Meal this morning in my nasty celery/apple juice (I hate celery juice).  It felt like I ate a rock. I generally feel that way with any protein powder or if I eat a bunch of grains.  It is so full of good stuff and I thought maybe I needed the protein.  My husband did 40 days on fresh juice and Raw Meal.  He lost 25 lbs, had increased strength and energy & felt fabulous the entire time even though he works out in the heat all day and never sleeps enough.  I'm just not feeling it for myself though.

Today is my only day off really.  I am good at resting on Sundays.  I don't shop, don't work, don't push myself to do things for people.  Usually I go to church, do some cleaning & enjoy some family time.  Today I stayed home from church.  I'm going to go out in the sun for awhile.  I would nap if I didn't have to pee every half hour.  Tomorrow I will go get some hemp oil.  It may be more specific to what I need.  I am going to be sure to blend in at least half an avocado with my green juice for a few days.  Maybe adding more calories from fat will be helpful for me.  I'm consistently adding in spirulina, celtic salt, Greener Grasses powder, omega blend oil, coconut oil, zeolites, MSM, Vit D3, and bee pollen.  I suppose I need kelp powder too.  Not sure how to choke that crap down.  Maybe I'll find some capsules.  

Okay.  That's my plan.  Rather than take this whole blog down & trip about feelings of failure, I am posting this.  I'm gonna rest and relax, keep reading good books and pondering how I can love and support myself right now.